Column On Daily

Yeah So, Comments and Breaks

admin — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 05:21:29 +0000

Okay, I’m going to take the next 1-2 weeks off, officially because I want to focus on some other stuff. Unofficially, because I didn’t plan ahead and cue things so posts would be here when I got busy.

But I need to give you a treat before I step back for a while and here it is.

You see a while back I wrote a post on how smoking should be illegal because it is a form of suicide for people except the people in question suck at suicide so why would be reward them by making quick suicide illegal but shitty slow suicide okay (Post). Someone commented on that which I never bothered to approve, but I’m posting it now because it amuses me:

Know what else should be illegal? Self-righteous morons such as yourself. Where would the US government and many states taxes come from (not to mention various county taxes within states) to pay for all the wonderful things that smokers and non-smokers both enjoy? Your pocket. That’s right, YOU would have to share the cost. Think about those wonderful new sports facilities that have been paid out of “sin” taxes on tabacco, that you enjoy, SMOKE-FREE, even though SMOKERS paid for them. GOD FORBID! NO SMOKING ALLOWED in those venues.

Jerk…

Now remember kids - I don’t mean things with much conviction, 90% in jest, but that was quite the heated response.

My only condolence, this commenter probably won’t be around for long [wow I’m an asshole, but who was I not to say it, no I don’t mean it]

Woodchuck Who Art Tho

admin — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 14:00:34 +0000

How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood
1) Sound to me wood chucks are lazy – get out there and learnt o chuck some damn wood
2) If they don’t chuck wood, whoever named them was an idiot
a. I can only assume it’s the same fellow that named Greenland
3) What the hell is a wood chuck

That is all.

To-Do List is My Downfall

admin — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 14:00:11 +0000

I’m a big fan of using math to describe emotions. You might think that means I’m emotionally out of touch, which is true, but only because I’m terrible at math.

Anyway I like to create to-do lists, I think they are a great way of getting myself organized. It feels really good every time I write an item to do on the list, as if just writing the task is an accomplishment itself.

Here is the problem though, sometimes I get greedy when I make my list, I add to many items. Each item I write is +1 happiness but the next day every task I don’t complete gives me a -3 so if I make my list too big then that next day I feel terrible.

Moral: Keep the to-do list and other aspirations low

[Okay I didn’t really think this through before I wrote it – but hell I need a post, so here it is]

And the winner of the car wars is Tonka.

admin — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:00:33 +0000

The car industry is a fast changing one. Between the Mini, and Smart Car and some day electrics real cars keep getting smaller. At the same time, have you seen the toys kids have, they keep getting bigger!

So clearly at some point these two trends are going to cross over and meet in the middle.

Eventually Power Wheels will be considered a family vehicle. Of course by then GM will be bankrupt and the world’s largest maker of trucks will be Tonka.

Time to restructure my stock portfolio.

The toy version of the smart car comes with a magnifying glass.

Trojan Condoms – Who are you trying to sneak in to?

admin — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 14:00:48 +0000

Remember the story of the Trojan horse?
1.    Big battle
2.    The folk left but hid in a giant wooden house and used it to sneak into the city
3.    Nobody realized what was inside them until it was too late

Now, ask yourself, “Why is it called the Trojan condom?”

The women won’t realize you’re inside her until it’s too late?

“Did you just f**k me again, I only just realized, I felt nothing, damn you Trojan condoms!”

Dear Stellar Jay – I think you’re at most so-so

admin — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 14:00:08 +0000

The stellar jay is an arrogant bird. I don’t make people call me “Awesome Steve”. It raises other complications like what the hell do I say if there is an ugly stellar jay.

“Hey - don’t bother looking, it’s a mediocre jay”
And generally the stellar jay is not a good looking bird. It’s an ugly bird, with low self-esteem and is overcompensating with his name.

That’s why I respect the crow, he’s realistic, no BS.

“You know how your eyes look when you get old? Yeah that’s me, I’m a crow”

Kudos to you crow, keep it real.

Messing Around at the Library

admin — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 14:00:37 +0000

Here is a game you can play, to mess with conservatives.

Go to the library
1. Don’t worry, you don’t have to read anything, you won’t even need a library card, and no, I won’t make you pay late fees
Pickup a bible
Move it to the fiction section
Repeat
Then in the non-fiction section, where the bibles where, put a copy of Harry Potter
Hope you life long – because hell will suck, but that’s a fun story to tell.

Ps. Are lists better of worse?

Vampires Don’t Understand Basic Science

admin — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 14:00:02 +0000

Consider this:

Vampires are allergic to the sun
Vampires wear all black
Black attracts heat / sun

Therefore Vampires are idiots if they checked with the local health office they would know to wear light colored loose fitting clothing.

Warnings are explanations of how stupid we are

admin — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 14:00:11 +0000

A lot of product warnings are excessive, but some are insulting.

Some are a statement that asks the question
1. If the user is in the situation in the first place how stupid are they
2. Okay then these are the things they need warnings for

Follow?

Okay, for example McDonalds puts a warning on the fireplace to tell me it’s hot. That means McDonalds is saying
1. If somebody eats here they must be pretty freaking dumb
2. Someone that dumb probably doesn’t understand the basic premise of hot things hurting.

A Plea from the Hidden Fellow

admin — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 14:00:55 +0000

Waldo has had dozens of books, and been hiding for years, so it’s time we ask: “Why are we still searching for Waldo”. The dude obviously wants to stay hidden. If every time you find someone they run away again, that means they don’t want to be friends stop being a jerk about it.

At some point Waldo has to stand up for himself, “Quit being a jerk and just let me be, for god’s sake, I’m in the witness protection program”.

Which is obvious when you think about it after all he does wear tie-dyed prison clothing, probably a prison snitch. Way to stay inconspicuous champ.